Lord, help me get over myself!
Jen Hatmaker has ruined my life.
Okay let me rephrase that…she has put into words the violent silent wrestling I have been doing deep down in my heart and soul. She has ruined my life, by speaking authentic truth and honesty.
“Here are my hands. They are yours.
Here is my wallet. Take it.
Here are my powerful prayer words. Direct them.
Here is my comfortable happiness. Ruin it.
Here is my sin. Transform me.
Here is my heart. Break it.”
These words were shared on her blog years ago, and over the last few days they have been my constant prayer, a sobbing on my knees begging kind of prayer. The kind of prayer that reeks of desperation. There is too much hurt in this world, too much suffering, too much sadness and loss for me to sit comfortably in my life and not DO something. I can read all the scripture there is, be involved in all the bible studies, attend church without fail every Sunday and the emptiness will still exist. The emptiness that was meant to be filled by serving others, by self sacrifice, by dying to self, by giving my life for your life. Faith without works is dead in the grave y’all, and dead faith cannot save.
The hard honest truth is I am selfish, and I have been smacked in the face with that fact this week. Jesus has pulled that out of me, from the deepest darkest places, the places I didn’t want to go to, that held the things I didn’t want to confront. My reasons for not wanting to engage in the hard things, the get your hands dirty things, is because I don’t want to be uncomfortable. Discomfort is not a common American goal, it is not something people strive for, in fact our culture preaches the opposite. Our social media is flooded with lists on how to be happy and fulfilled, ideas for self-care, and material items you have to have in order to be the best you possible.
Friends, this may sound crazy, but I want you to know you ARE the best you. God has knit you together personally for a purpose. He knows you, in all your mess, and He loves you with a love we cannot even fathom. You were made in His image, there is no “flaw” within you that wasn’t part of His plan for you, and for the world you get the privilege to engage with every day.
I don’t want to be selfish. I don’t want to be so concerned with making the most of my life that I forget to USE my one life to make a lasting impact. I want to die and live for Him. I want my life to shine so bright it’s undeniable that He is within me. I want to love others well, regardless of who they are or what they do.
So right now I’m praying like everything I have depends on it (because it does), and I’m devouring scripture, seeking out patterns, getting close to the heart of God, reaffirming the call I cannot shake. I’m asking myself the questions Jen asked herself. What makes me truly angry? For whom does my passionate soul cry? What leaves my blood boiling, my heart aching, my belly rumbling for injustice? What prophetic story am I telling with my life? When it’s all over, what is my legacy in Christ?
I hope these things matter to you, I hope you’re able to identify that hunger, that empty hollow ache within you, and I hope you will realize as I did that no amount of earthly accomplishment or accumulation will fill it. I hope you’ll examine yourself, and pray to be ruined by God (or by Jen, because He totally uses people to reach people).
How can I love you well? What can I do to lift you up? How can I encourage you? What can I pray over or speak life into? We we’re meant to do this life together, so let’s start now.